Tuesday, October 24, 2006

This is how stupid my life is: Paul has pneumonia and we're set to move this weekend. And it's Paul's second day at his new job.

Do you ever feel like the gods are bored and have decided (just for fun) to see how much havoc they can wreck in your life before you completely snap?

Ron called; my bathroom lights from Restoration Hardware are too small for the boxes that have been installed so they need to be returned and I have to quickly find wider ones. Can I find my receipt for the fucking lights. Of course not.

The handle for the back french door is still missing. Ron is adamant that Paul took it home with the bathroom stuff (Paul didn't, it's not here - unless it's with the Restoration Hardware receipt) but I think it's more he's afraid of John's wrath because John is going to have to spend the $450 to replace it.

I'll rant later - must put away groceries, keep looking for receipt and then get kids.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

There only a few days left until we move home, but so much still needs to be done.

In fact, there is absolutely no way John is going to be finished on time; but really, we're tough and considering how long we've slept on that horrible double bed (just to prove how tough we are), what's not having a kitchen sink for a couple of weeks? Of course having said that, I did a bit of a pirouette in the bedroom today and put out my upper back and neck.

This afternoon I went to Ikea to look at lighting. I picked up a couple for over the island and one for the top of the stairs leading to the basement. But I'm constantly filled with self-doubt; if only I had an unlimited budget. As soon as I brought the two lights home I began to question them: Are they too big? Are they really horrible? What should I do? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Breath, breathing is good.

Tomorrow afternoon I'm off to Yorkdale Mall to Homesense to check out bathroom hardware by Umbra - they have a BOGOFHO (or whatever the ridiculous acronym is).

I'm far behind on the choosing of light fixtures as I'm reminded by John and Paul. Well maybe if I had Ringo and George...never mind. I'm too tired to be witty. I still need powder room, library, top of stairs - is that it? Maybe replacements for kitchen island.

Right now I'm banned from the house so I can't take any pictures of the paint job; the staining of floors is in progress. The stainers were able to start Friday and should be finished Tuesday - a few days early. But again the self doubt nags me - I hope the chosen colour looks okay. At least I know I can always blame the breast cancer: "I was preoccupied!" I'll say to anyone who questions what we've done.

Time to go brush my teeth and get some rest - must look pretty for Dr. McCready tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

But of course life wouldn't feel as overwhelming if I had a bag to crawl in to.

Today has been a horrible day. Not only has it pissed down rain for the entire day but I have entered my 5th day of virtually no sleep - thank you Jakob.

The start of the day had me yelling at Jakob (yes, I'm harbouring resentment, I need sleep!) because that child of Paul's is incredibly rude. I only admit to him during the sweet times.

Then because of the rain I opted to cram my body into a packed smelly subway car because it was too miserable to walk and the yelling at Jakob took up precious time.

Canadian Blood Services called to remind me of my appointment on Thursday to donate - which I do religiously every 2 months - only to tell me that they were retiring me as a donor because of my breast cancer. I had figured that because it was DCIS and I was having a mastectomy and no chemo or radiation I would be fine to continue after the recommended amount of time post surgery. I thought wrong. The woman did tell me that I have helped save 21 lives with this past 1 year plus of donating. I wanted to cry. I hate how this breast cancer is starting to define me and dictate the terms of my life.

My crappy day continued with a bad headache that even Tylenol wouldn't curb.

I drove over to the house to drop off hardware for the doors and found my car wasn't handling properly. Once I parked and got out I found the tire deflated to the rim. I left the car and walked in the pouring rain to pick up the kids. Jakob cried because we had to walk home. We dropped by the house with Satchel, Jakob, Geoff and Ethan and then continued home to the rental house. We were all soaked so I threw the boys pants and socks and Jakob's beloved Spiderman coat into the dryer. Unfortunately one of the kids neglected to tell me that he had a black marker and a bottle of white out in his pants pocket (who carries white out in their pockets anymore?) and both exploded in the dryer covering EVERYTHING. Especially Jakob's coat which now looks like a piece by Pollock.

Wait until Jakob sees it. To make matters worse, I think someone has stolen his fabulous firefighter style raincoat from the daycare.

My contractor called to say that the kitchen that was installed wasn't the same as the drawings he had been given or the plan that had been outlined on the floor and therefore the pendant lights over the island are out of placement. The electrician is coming tomorrow morning so I need to go over tonight in the pissing rain to mark where they should be.

And I am completely out of wine.

If I didn't have a bunch of screaming boys in the basement playing gamecube I would rest my head on the table and weep.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Our little Haemish is home again, he left a boy and returned a eunuch. But he seems okay with it.

Arthur on the other hand...

Friday, October 13, 2006

The surgery date has been confirmed: November 21 is M-day.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

My boys were desperate for a proper Thanksgiving dinner so off we went to the grocery store to see what we could find.

The smallest fresh turkey weighed in at nearly 14 pounds, huge considering we are a small family of four and I knew that Jakob would have none of it. But it was fabulous and I'm sure I've gained back most of the weight I've lost over the past 4 weeks. We had turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, rolls, carrots and peas - finishing up with pumpkin pie and ice cream.

I am so incredibly full.

Fantastic news: our rental home is rented for November 1. Hopefully we will have no problems getting our deposit cheque back from the landlords as it will nicely cover the cost of the stainless steel top and sink for our gigantic new island!

The painters have worked all weekend. I think because we're tired we keep defaulting to the non-colour Cloud White. Everytime John calls us and says "we need a colour for X room," my eyes lose focus, I rest my head on my arm and say "just do cloud white."

Here is what I give thanks for: first and most importantly, my family and my friends. Without all of you my life would be such a struggle and you make this journey of mine much easier. Second: that my beautiful boys are healthy and strong. Third: that my house is nearly finished and we'll be moving back in 3 weeks and our rental house is no longer our financial burden! Finally, kind of tied with number three, that we will be back sleeping in our king sized bed once again (thank God, for that double mattress, even with the memory foam top, is killing us and we intentionally try to farm Satchel out for sleepovers just so one of us can have his bed) and we will once again have a dishwasher - and a housecleaner as soon as we find a new one.

For the record, we haven't slept in our beloved kind size for roughly 182 nights.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

The kitchen was installed today - look at how beautiful it is!

Next Tuesday Jon returns with countertops and John is getting stainless steel priced for us for the island.

I am also enclosing a picture of the bathroom that shows off the tiles we chose for both floor and walls.

It's count down time! We may even have someone to take over the rental house - a family showed up yesterday and today to take a peek. This would be fabulous!

My other news, because this reno is no longer only about the house but also my body, is that I met with the plastic surgeon today and now have many decisions to make. When do I want to do the reconstruction, immediately or afterwards. What kind of reconstruction do I want to do - implants/autogenous/combination of both?

What I want to say is that I really just want to keep my body the way it is thank you very much. But I suppose that would be akin to walking around with a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. Right now I'm leaning towards autogenous reconstruction which would leave me on the operating table for 8+ hours, 4-5 days in the hospital and scars that would rival Frankenstein. Plus a second surgery to create the finishing touches (you really need to be part surgeon, part artist in this line of work) and tuck in the dog ears that would result from the hip to hip scar. I should ask to see how Dr. Lipa wraps her Christmas presents - if she wraps like I do, those dog ear flaps are going to hang to my knees. If she wraps like a friend of mine, I'll look pretty darn good.

I'm beginning to know way too much about this &$^#.

Monday, October 02, 2006

My life is so surreal right now.

I had a voice message at my office from my surgeon's assistant. In a sing song kind of voice, she apologized for missing my last call and then told me that there has been a cancellation next week (the 12th) if I would like it for my mastectomy. Or the next available appointment is on the 26th. The woman who was initially booked next week needs to have chemo before her surgery.

I just want to scream "this isn't a hair appointment! So no thank you, I don't want to have my breast cut off next week. I don't want my breast cut off EVER!"

I also received pamphlets today from my plastic surgeon for me to go over before my appointment outlining various forms of implants and types of reconstruction.

I also had a message from John the contractor to hurry up and choose paint colours because he would like the painters to start on Thursday.

Breast implants and paint colours. These are the choices I need to make quickly.

I think I need a drink. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.