Wednesday, June 30, 2010


End of school year happiness!

Note the fear in the eyes of the mother.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Honestly, I swear there is a big black hole residing in the small space reserved for brain matter in the noggin of a teenager. Words leave my mouth, travel in through his ears and then get sucked back into the void so fast I'm reeling!

Stephen Hawking should put his theories on the possibility of extra terrestrial life forms aside and address the potential impact of all the black holes hanging out in front of my house right now. My fear is you get enough of them together, the entire universe as we know it could be jeopardized!

Yesterday's conversation with changing teen brain:

CTB: Mom, can I invite about 8 friends over to the house?

Me: Okay, let me think ... NO.

CTB: Why not?!

Me: Because I'm at work and I'm not having 8+ boys in the house unsupervised.

CTB: But we're just going to hang out at the front of the house or the back of the house.

This makes no sense to me.

Me: No.

CTB: Fine.

I call later to find a PARTY going on at 10:30 in the morning.

Me: How many kids are in the house?

CTB: Maybe 5.

Me: How many kids did I say could be in the house?

CTB: 5?

Me: No ZERO! Honestly, how did he manage to get 95% in math?

CTB: But I'm just feeding them.

The thought of feeding 5 13-14 year old boys has me faint on the keyboard. There will be no food left in the house. The door to the refrigerator will be be unhinged. If the big galoot is there, chances are catfood will be consumed and the fish will be gone.

So because I have spies on the street I later find out that there were 5 boys plus 3 girls, one wearing a flag. Thankfully the fish was fine.

And I will be encouraging a summer of paintball and xbox.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

I find it disconcerting when someone you know very casually makes it clear that SHE CAN'T STAND YOU and you just don't understand why. You're charming and exceptionally witty! And you have a great sense of style. Why wouldn't she love you? She should want you as her new BFF!

And then you go to your husband's office party and BOOM there she is. And because I can't help myself, and want to figure out what it is about me that she doesn't like so I can, you know, improve upon myself I gravitate towards her like a moth to the flame.

To be fair, I am an absolute delight at parties. In fact I have been described as the "life of the party" after I've had a few drinks in me so what is it that gives this woman the old "deer in the headlights" look whenever she spots me?

Also I'm a bit unsure of her myself. First she lives in the suburbs - I wonder if she reads this blog? probably not seeing as according to I have pretty much annihilated the chance of anyone ever reading this blog again - and has broken another woman's bones while playing hockey.

But here is the story that confirms her true feelings for me:

At Paul's office Christmas party she took photos of everyone and very reluctantly took one of me. Fortunately for her it was THE WORST PHOTO EVER. I was laughing, talking, face distorted, wine glass being tossed around... and that special moment in time was captured. So she asks the old husband if he would like the photo included with all the other office photos, excluding of course the equally nasty one of herself which she will most promptly be deleting. Husband says that he better get my permission since it really isn't the most flattering.

He sends it to me, I pass out, come to, call plastic surgeon and book an appointment, then scream NO into the phone to Paul. Fortunately the woman who hates me (WWHM) is in his office with him.

He tells WWHM not to post it.

She says, oh (while giggling which I can hear) too late, I sent it by accident.

I asked Paul to ask WWHM if she ACCIDENTALLY sent her hideous photo to the entire office? Nope, deleted.

So where am I going with this, oh yes, what is the funniest way YOU would handle this situation?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I must say that there really should be a warning stamped on Steig Larsson's books stating that once you begin reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, you will have no contact with the outside world until you finish the entire trilogy. Your children will go hungry, the cats will move out. And then you will have to don a black armband as you mourn Larsson's untimely death while plotting how to steal the laptop from his partner that contains partial scrips for Books 4 and 5.

But persistence for my attention did wear me down: work, children, husband and cats - not so much the snake - forced me to stop reading occasionally which is why, two weeks after my last post, I am finally updating the blog.

What I love about Larsson's books is that I just can't get enough of them - I sneak reading extra pages whenever I can, whether waking up early and laying in bed to finish another chapter, reading for an hour after going to bed even though I have to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks... I just can't put them down! I'm reminded of when I was a child and would wake up as the sun was rising so that I could grab my book.

And now Jakob is developing a love for reading!

Jakob is currently pouring through the Percy Jackson & the Olympians series and will sit on the porch with me most evenings. This balances out the pain in my heart from Satch's focus on paint balling and Ultimate-Fighting-something-or-other-Man-Hugs. Otherwise known as UFSOOMH.

Clever Jakob is using his newly found passion for reading to secure favourite son status in the house and has decided that Satch just doesn't want to read, he can't read. Nope. And not only that, he's obsessed with violent xbox games. But not Jakob, not since the xbox suffered the THE RED RING OF DEATH, in fact he hasn't missed playing xbox at all! Though yes, he did spend his allowances on an xbox game, even though he can't play the game because of the RED RING OF DEATH - he is totally NOT obsessed.

So the two happiest moments for me over the past two weeks were: FINDING CHEEZ-ITS AT WALMART! I knew my constant badgering of Kellogg's USA would pay off, now if they would only bring in the Cheddar Jack flavour. And secondly, THE RED RING OF DEATH! I have not woken to gun fire once! There has been a lot less whining and crying and general crankiness (including the husband) and a lot more joy (ME!)in my little house.

Mental note: must add Bill Gates to my Christmas Card list. Love you BG!